Deep Time

In the 1800s, James Hutton tried to convince a disbelieving world
that geologically speaking
the earth was millions of years older than we had been told
that the earth’s story did not abide by God time
but by deep time:
4.5 billion years instead of 6,000.
A whole history so old and prehistoric
it was inconceivable to the human brain.

When the human brains shut down
in the face of this possibility
it’s because it shook their faith and
it hurt
that we could be so small
and geologically meaningless.

James Hutton in other words
tried to convince the world
of a whole history that ostensibly
didn’t exist:
a time with no record
or witness
or proof.

I orbit the same four blocks
in my corner of the earth
every morning
rain or shine
coffee cup in hand
dazed and dissociated
unsure of the time.

I never see a soul
and I walk back to my house
also devoid of souls
to sit for days on end
wondering if people die this way.

Wondering if in my years after
this will feel how Hutton felt
trying to explain a whole isolated history
that had no witness.

Trying to make
married people
partnered people
co-housed people
parent people
pet-owning people
still-going-into-work people
believe
in a trauma that turns their brains off
because it hurts
to think of living
so alone as to make you feel
geologically small and meaningless.

My counselor reminds me
that everyone will be empirically alone with themselves
eventually
indefinitely
and whether we bear that truth now or later
is partly up to circumstances.
That some people will go their whole lives
having never been alone
for more than 72 hours straight.
That I have uncovered an objective truth
our culture tries so desperately to hide.

I laugh and go for a walk
holding 4.5 billion seconds
of unwitnessed solitary history over the last two years
thinking of how when the world was done shouting in protest
everyone realized
that Hutton was right.