Tony Needs a Counselor

Gabby Petito is missing
one of frankly hundreds of women that go missing
every year, at the hands of men
who do not know how to manage their feelings.
I read the news between swipes on Bumble
thinking how Brian Laundrie
had a lot to hide.

Tony talks to me on Bumble for approximately 5 minutes
before asking for my cell phone number instead
which I hesitantly provide
while running through the gamut of all the unsolicited photos
and comments I could receive this way.

He texts me almost immediately
and tells me, with a smiling emoji, to save his name in my phone.
I ask Tony if he has a last name,
to which he makes a joke about if I’ll ask for his credit card next
like somehow we have forgotten
he is the one who asked for the digital keys
to the personal computer
I have with me at all times.

I say this is due diligence
that I’m actually just following his instructions
that I don’t understand how people
especially in female bodies
can show up somewhere these days
in full confidence, without some guarantees.

I say this
as breezily as I can.
But Tony
loses it anyway.
Gives me a three paragraph lecture on
how weird I am
for asking for something as deeply personal as a last name
how my penchant for living
in fear casts me down a lonely road
how I might use this information
to contact his family and friends if he rejects me.
How he is not interested
and is disgusted by the suggestion
that because he is a man
he is dangerous.

I stare at the screen
thinking of how my single ask
that he give something of himself
that he wasn’t prepared to give
made this man uncomfortable
which made this man volatile
which made this man unrecognizable.

I wonder what the world would look like
if women became volatile and unrecognizable
with every such discomfort.
I wonder what the world would look like
if women had the energy to view every such discomfort
as a thing to send up in flames.

I start deleting the apps
because maybe it’s just a bad market right now
but then I think of how Brian Laundrie knows
where Gabby is
but why would he give any details
when he could draw out the anxiety publicly
and take a whole country with him.